The Gift of Transparency
As you prepare for holiday gatherings with your family, I want to suggest a gift you might not have considered—one that costs nothing but could save your children from confusion, conflict, and heartbreak when you're gone.
The gift is simply this: a conversation about your estate plan.
I know what you're thinking. “That's morbid.” “It'll ruin Thanksgiving.” “My kids don't need to know about this stuff yet.” I hear these objections all the time. But as a probate attorney who works with families after a parent dies, I can tell you this: the families who had these conversations—even if they were awkward—are infinitely better off than those who didn't.
Why Silence Hurts Your Family
When you don't talk to your adult children about your estate plan, you're not protecting them—you're setting them up for problems:
They'll be scrambling when they're already grieving. Imagine trying to figure out what bank accounts your parent had, whether there's a life insurance policy, where the deed to the house is, and who your parent wanted to handle everything—all while planning a funeral and processing your loss. It's overwhelming.
They'll have to guess at your reasoning. If you've made choices that aren't immediately obvious—treating children differently, choosing one child as executor, leaving assets to charity—your children will create their own explanations in the absence of yours. And those explanations often involve hurt feelings and assumptions about favoritism or unfairness.
They may fight with each other. Even close siblings can end up in conflict when they're surprised by estate planning choices they don't understand. One sibling may feel slighted or suspicious. Another may feel burdened by unexpected responsibilities. All of this is preventable.
They can't prepare for their roles. If you've named someone as executor or trustee, don't you want them to know? Don't you want them to have time to understand what that means and prepare for it?
What's Holding You Back?
I get it—this conversation feels hard. Here are the concerns I hear most often, and why they might not be as big as they seem:
“I don't want to upset them or seem like I'm planning to die.” Here's the thing: you're not planning to die—you're planning to be responsible. Your children are adults. They know death is inevitable. Having this conversation doesn't make it more likely to happen; it just makes them more prepared when it does.
“I don't want them to feel entitled or stop working hard.” You don't have to share every financial detail. You can say “we have an estate plan” without saying “you're inheriting $500,000.” The point is to give them the information they need to handle things, not to make them count their chickens before they hatch.
“What if I change my mind later?” You can! Telling your children your current plan doesn't lock you in. You can simply say “This is our plan right now, and we'll let you know if anything changes.” Most adult children understand that circumstances evolve.
“I don't want to explain why things aren't exactly equal.” If you have good reasons for treating children differently—and most parents who do this have very good reasons—your children deserve to hear those reasons from you. Without your explanation, they'll come up with their own, and it probably won't be flattering.
“It'll make the holidays awkward.” Maybe a little, for a few minutes. But you know what's really awkward? Your children fighting over your estate after you're gone because you left them in the dark.
What to Actually Share
You don't need to disclose every financial detail or give your children voting rights on your planning. You're just giving them enough information that they won't be blindsided. Here's a framework:
The Basics (Minimum Everyone Should Know):
You have an estate plan, and you've worked with an attorney
Who your executor/trustee is
Where your important documents are kept (or who has them)
Who your key advisors are (attorney, financial planner, CPA)
Any specific wishes about your funeral or medical care
Going Deeper (If Your Children Are Mature Adults):
General overview of your assets (not necessarily dollar amounts, but “we have retirement accounts, life insurance, the house, some investments”)
The basic structure of your plan (“We're dividing everything equally” or “We've made some specific decisions for specific reasons”)
Any special circumstances or considerations they should understand
The Full Picture (Especially for Your Executor):
Detailed list of assets and where to find them
Explanation of any unequal or unusual provisions
Passwords, account numbers, location of keys and important papers
Walkthrough of your actual estate planning documents
Introduction to your team of advisors who will help them
You get to decide what level of disclosure makes sense for your family. But something is better than nothing.
How to Start the Conversation
As with estate planning, I know that sometimes getting started feels like the hardest part. Here are some ways to make it easier:
· Use a holiday gathering as a natural opportunity: “Now that we're all together, there's something we wanted to talk about. We've been doing some planning, and we wanted to make sure you all know where things stand...”
· Frame it as responsible adulting: “Your mom and I have been working on our estate planning, and we wanted to make sure you're not left guessing about anything if something happens to us.”
· Start with the practical: “We wanted to let you know where our important documents are, who to call if something happens to us, and who we've asked to handle things.”
· Be direct about the awkwardness: “This isn't the most comfortable conversation, but we'd rather have it now while we can answer your questions than leave you wondering later.”
· Focus on your love for them: “We've worked hard to build something to leave you, and we want to make sure you're prepared and that this brings the family together rather than creating problems.”
It's Not Just One Conversation
Estate planning communication isn't a one-and-done announcement. Life changes. Your plan might change. Your children's circumstances might change. Think of this as an ongoing dialogue:
Let your children know when you update your estate plan
If circumstances change significantly (health issues, financial changes, family dynamics), revisit the conversation
As you get older and the “someday” becomes more imminent, share more details
Check in periodically to remind them where things are and who to contact
Beyond the Logistics: Your Legacy
Here's what prepared families tell me: the most valuable thing their parents gave them wasn't just the information about assets and documents. It was understanding their parents' values and reasoning.
When you explain not just what you're doing but why—why you chose a particular person to handle things, why you care about certain causes, why you made certain choices about who gets what—you're passing on more than money. You're passing on your values, your wisdom, and your thought process. It’s the difference between leaving an estate plan and leaving a legacy.
You're leaving them a legacy they can understand and honor, not a mystery they have to solve.
The Gift of Preparation
This holiday season, your adult children aren't expecting another sweater or gadget. What they need—whether they know it or not—is the gift of preparation.
Give them the gift of not having to play detective while they're grieving. Give them the gift of understanding your reasoning instead of guessing at it. Give them the gift of being able to focus on supporting each other instead of fighting over surprises. Give them the gift of knowing that you trusted them enough to bring them into the conversation.
I promise you: every family I've worked with who had these conversations—even the awkward ones—looks back with gratitude.
Starting Now
If you're reading this and thinking “I really should talk to my kids,” don't wait. You don't need to have all the answers or a perfect plan. You just need to start the conversation.
The greatest gift you can give your family this holiday season doesn't come wrapped in paper with a bow. It comes wrapped in honesty, preparation, and love.